WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF SEX AND INTIMACY

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WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF SEX AND INTIMACY

IN THIS SCENE NICKY YOUNG, OUR YOUNG WOMAN COMING OF AGE, SITS WITH HER NEW WOMEN FRIENDS AND MENTORS, TARA SUMMERS AND ALEXANDRA FLOWERS, WIFE AND FIANCE TO MATT AND DARRELL SWEET, PROFESSIONAL PITCHERS ON THE SAN FRANCISCO GOLIATHS BASEBALL TEAM.

NIKCY HAS JUST SHARED WITH ALEX THAT HER FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC,  AND BEGINS TO REFLECT INWARD ON HER PROBLEMS OF MAKING NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND HER CHALLENGES ABOUT HAVING SEX.

To finally share the information with someone I trusted, who was another adult, was such a relief, and in doing so, I cemented the relationship with my two new women friends.

“This is an escape as much as a hope that Stanford will acknowledge me,” I said. “My dad and sister argue and fight all the time, and my mom is just, somewhere else. I wanna get out of there.”

“What about you?” Alex asked. “What’s your relationship like with your Dad?”

“I love him, but he’s made me . . .” I stumbled to find the word.

“Numb?” she asked knowingly.

“Yeah,” I said.

“I know, Sweetheart,” she said patting my back, “I know.”

How do you know?

When Tara joined us, Alex excused herself to check on my teammates.

“What’s your routine like tonight?” Tara asked. Both she and Alex were yell leaders in high school and working with cheer routines was second nature for them.

As I stood up, waving my hands in the air to demonstrate, the Goliaths were on the field taking batting practice, shagging balls, and doing their sprints and stretches.

“Looks like you guys have it down,” Tara said. “I’ll be watching to make sure I don’t see anything you need to work out. If I do, you can all come over to my house and we’ll review it.”

When I sat down, I noticed Ryan Tilton, who was a pitcher, the game closer, for the Goliaths, looking at me as he ran to catch fly balls and then throw them back to the infield.

Ryan’s six-foot, two-inch frame, athletic body, blue eyes, and golden brown hair were like a beacon, and I’d already noticed in just a few weeks, how people were naturally drawn to him.

The women were endless, dressed to attract a single man, but there was also a parade of others hoping for a piece of the good looking, professional athlete he was.

“Yeah, okay,” I said. “Hey, what’s Ryan Tilton staring at anyway?   He’s been looking over here off and on for the last half hour.”

“Don’t mess with that one,” Tara said. “He’s a wild boy.”

“Yeah, I gathered as much,” I said. “You know, almost everyone has come out to introduce themselves to us, but he’s among only a few that hasn’t.”

“He’s got a reputation along with his friend, Kevin Reynolds,” she said. “I think Ryan has a steady. At least there’s a blonde woman named Jesse who hangs around him, but ‘steady’ is relative when it comes to that boy. You shouldn’t even think about a ball player.”

“No chance of that. I don’t even date,” I said laughing.

I entered into my adult life innocent and extremely naïve about sex and boys. I was shut down and closed off, and afraid that having a boyfriend meant I’d get distracted and my grades would suffer.

Ultimately I interpreted a boyfriend as a roadblock to Stanford and much too risky. Ever since I was a young girl I had marked the beginning of college on my calendar with a red pen and circled each day that passed in yellow.

I was stubborn and frustratingly slow to open up and let anyone inside my personal fortress.

All my friends were sexually active, but I just wasn’t ready. Sex was a strange concept for me. I couldn’t understand my friends having it at fifteen and sixteen. Stay away from boys as long as possible was what I believed, especially since my sister had been raped at fourteen.

The day my sister’s life changed forever, I came home from school at the usual time.

WHAT ARE YOUR CHALLENGES WITH INTIMACY?

HOW MANY TIMES COULD YOU HAVE REACHED OUT TO A FRIEND OR CO-WORKER IN A VULNERABLE AND LOVING WAY?

WHY IS SEX CARRY SUCH A BIG STIGMA IF IT’S BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS?

I welcome your comments and invite you to contact me on my website www.PamelaTaeuffer.com

Or e mail me: pamelataeuffer@gmail.com

I am also on Facebook: /Shadow-Heart and Pinterest: /pamelataeuffer/shadowheart

Twitter: @PTaeufferAuthor

Thank for reading!

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